If you don’t like long reads and sad topics, mainly grief, avert your eyes, but enjoy the pictures. I enjoyed creating them.
( A story on grief)
Grief, A story of loss
Have you ever been dead.
Not the physical kind defined in the dictionary as,
I’m speaking of the the kind where you have breath within you, and are doing as bodies, that are alive, are created to do BUT,
you’re not present.
You’re function, as bodies that are alive are created to function when there is breath moving in and out of them BUT,
you are not alive.
I have been in a tailspin of thoughts and for the life of me I couldn’t remember why the anxiousness of this time of year has always been a mental blockage. Not that I couldn’t remember, but by default I chose to not remember.Until today.
Have you ever not been able to think, to breathe, to cry, to move, to want to live. I was so numb, I was so dead whilst, so painfully alive. The kind of death where internally you have ceased to exist and are stuck in a moment BUT physically your body does as bodies are created to do.
I remember the day I heard. It seems like yesterday, when the memories come. My phone kept going off while I was at work. Immediate panic mode set in, because that had never happened. Something was very wrong. I knew it. My spirit was already crushed, before I heard the news. I sat at the station and cried as hundreds of people rushed past me. To them it was a normal day. To me this was the beginning of an end, that would thrust me into a forced new beginning. My heart is palpitating just thinking about it. I don’t remember very much of that day or the time that follows. I just shut down.
That is how I cope.
Reflection is a painful but, beautiful thing. I knew there was a reason why I’m still holding onto hope, that this year will be different. 7. The number of completion. Completion signifies a new beginning. It has too. That’s the hope I have. This is the moment I have been dead to come alive for. It has got to be.
Grief is a funny funny thing, in the most unfunny way of ways. It is pure and simple, and messy and complex. The one that comes as a surprise is the worst because you were just not ready.
Just when you think you’re alright.
No warning. And it hits very hard, and fast, in your depths gut and the pain lingers longer than what is comfortable. It always takes your breath away. I never get used to the feeling.
In that moment. No words can describe it. It feels like there’s no end. There is no amount of healing. No balm. No salve.
Then I look up and remember, to taste and see that in all areas of my life, He has been good. He has been good. He has been good. My God, He is good. From then, till now, He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
The words you give to someone as a soother,
and I say this is the nicest way possible but, keep them to yourselves. Your presence is worth more that your words. Especially when you have no idea of the depth of someone’s pain. I also have to remember that and give people grace. Always.
Your grief. My grief. It’s the same, but different. There are layers. The layers have different levels. On all the levels there are doors with heavy locks. Behind those doors, there are rooms with cupboards. Contained in them, boxes. In those boxes is the pain you store and lock away, to be able to live because, you need to go through another day. And consequently, everyday whether consciously or unconsciously, we repeat the same cycle over and over again. I hope one day it goes away.
It’s been 7 years of one day.
Please don’t tell me to move on.
I just wonder the things we would have been talking about today, most of all, what kind of man you would be. While I find myself disappointed in me a lot of the time, I wonder if you would be proud or disappointed?
In conclusion, hug the people you love. Tight!