A story +
When I look into my face, I see you.
Who you were in the past, who you were becoming in the present space you occupied, and who you would have been had the breath of life allowed.
When I stare closely into my eyes, I see your eyes staring back at me. I see your hopes, your dreams and all the possibilities that could have been realized, had you been here.
We are ever changing as humans. I wonder the evolution, you would have gone through. How you would have aged, the wrinkles on your face, the grey hairs, and the bend in your back.
The graceful changes and the metamorphoses, you would have gone through.
I wonder what we would have spoken of, the stories, the encouragement, the laughs, the tears. All of it. The heart matters. The head matter. The deep and the shallow happenings.
Who would you be today, my heart aches so deeply to know. I am fine, I know you would be worried at me being worried, but I am fine.
You were the worst thing that I said could have ever happened to me, but look, I made it through. I know you would be proud of that.
The getup has been hard, I know you would see that if you were here, but I got up.
I dusted myself off very slowly, very painfully, but I took a step, and another, and I’m still taking steps. I know you would be proud of that.
You would see me going through it as an adult. I’m a bit grateful that you don’t have to see me down, at my worst, on my knees. My highest aim in life was to please you and to make you proud. I’m glad you don’t get to see me in ways that don’t make me proud. You would tell me to get up and fight, and most days I don’t want to. You would tell me, in the nicest of ways, to get over it, but I don’t want to. I hold onto you and the pain like a medal, like one of the badges on your insignia.
I wear it as my rank.
It is my rank. For now.
I will be promoted soon, and then you will be proud. You will sit at the ceremony and applaud the loudest when they call my name.
I’m forehead deep in my feelings. And that’s deep because, I’m blessed with generous forehead space.
Tomorrow, I will be OK. Better than OK.